Christmas baby?

December 23rd. A day that I've thought of with joy and excitement since the moment I saw that faith pink plus sign on the pregnancy test. I knew there was no guarantee of Cooper making his arrival on his actual due date--after all Ellie came a week late--but as any expecting mother knows, you associate your first peek at your precious baby with that very exciting estimated due date, and I was no different. I thought of being big and jolly during the Christmas season, thoroughly delighting in sweets and holiday fare without a worry about my figure or fitting into my clothes (praise God for stretch bands and maternity pants). I day dreamed about going into labor on Christmas Eve and all the hubbub that would ensue. I worried and tried to over plan our holiday season knowing full well that travel wouldn't be advised so late in pregnancy. All that planning, dreaming, and wishing was washed away in an instant in October..."Your baby hasn't moved." The words echoed in my head and heart and still do to this day. God was directing me and His words literally saved my baby boy's life. He spoke truth as He always does. Along with the truth of Cooper being in trouble He also spoke much truth into my heart through the past 10 weeks. The truth is that planning and worry does nothing, God has us. Each morning I would wake up and worry about my boy yet I had no control over what was going to happen next. God was holding us in His hands and I find peace in that now. There are days when I still struggle to let go, to loose my grip on my future and my family but God is oh so patient with me. Cooper has come so far and God has changed my heart through this journey as well. It wasn't an easy change that's for sure!

In the beginning I wasn't only overwhelmed with Cooper's health issues and prematurity but I was also bitter and angry about missing out on 10 more weeks of pregnancy. Ten more weeks of having my baby all to myself without the trials and pressures of this world impeding on us. Ten more weeks of a round belly and sleepless nights. Yes that sounds very silly to be upset about missing but trust me, when it's gone you miss it. I remember those last 10 weeks of pregnancy with Ellie vividly and just how long they truly seemed but believe me when I say they seem even longer when your baby is outside of your body. The past 10 weeks have seemed like an eternity. I look back and wonder who those people are. Who was that woman that looks like me? How did she get through all of it and make it out alive when her heart felt as if it were breaking everyday? I'm shocked back to reality when it sinks in that it was really me. Well, a shell of myself anyways. God was carrying me through each moment with grace, love, and strength and without him I wouldn't have made it to his very special date...December 23rd.

When the dream of this date evaporated on October 19th with the traumatic birth of our son our world was flipped upside down and I've been waiting for it to right itself ever since. I'm beginning to realize right-side up will never again be our reality. Just when I decide Cooper is like all other newborns something comes up. He sleeps a whole day through, he refuses to eat, he develops a cold (which requires MUCH more attention than usual), or he has what seems to be a seizure. I'm starting to let go of right-side up and "normal." This is our world now and it's a beautiful one in so many ways. Cooper is the most special and amazing little boy and I'm honored to be his mommy no matter what his future looks like. We may have a long road ahead of us or possibly just a few more hurdles then smooth sailing, only time will tell. All I know for certain is that God has changed us and we can put faith in His love and care.

Cooper has some hurdles in front of him and we're exploring some possible complications/symptoms. The first is his continued elevation in direct bilirubin counts. Cooper underwent a HIDA scan a few weeks back to rule out a pretty serious complication. Thankfully that scan came back normal and we avoided one issue. Now we're just waiting for those numbers to drop and if they don't fall on their own we will then begin a search for a possible metabolic complication. Along with the jaundice we're now consulting a Neurologist because it seems that Cooper may be having seizures. I don't know for sure if that's what is happening but I do know that what I'm seeing doesn't seem natural and has led me to believe he may be seizing. Neil and I are the only ones that have seen it so we don't have any "medical" confirmation but my mommy instincts are screaming. I was able to catch a small episode of it on video the other day so hopefully that will help get to the bottom of things. We have an EEG scheduled for December 27th, prayers for clear and conclusive results are much appreciated.

Despite those issues Cooper is doing amazing. He's such a strong boy! He came down with an upper respiratory virus last week and we feared it may knock him out a bit and cause some lung issues but he fought right through it and is back to being healthy! What an amazing little man we have been blessed with!

We may not have gotten the Christmas baby I envisioned but December 23rd is here and we have our boy in our arms...that's all that matters! Praise God!