Last night I found myself beyond exhausted yet not wanting to sleep. I can't even explain the feeling or why it was there but I just didn't want to close my eyes. I didn't want to stay at home away from my boy but I also didn't want to stay in the stillness of his dark room while he slept and his monitors flashed. Both options left me feeling empty with a big pit of anxiety in my stomach. I just couldn't put my finger on what the problem was. This morning I still can't. I want to be alone yet I'm afraid of the silence. I want company but struggle to keep a conversation. I want to hold my baby yet I'm afraid to at times. I want to play with my daughter but lack the energy. I'm just a big ball of contradiction and confusion. I have moments when I can literally see the light at the end of this dark tunnel and then moments where it feels like the end is no where in sight, or to bleak to look at. I'm lost in the haze of this reality so often.
Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware it could be much worse. We are blessed beyond words to see the life literally running through our boy with each squiggle of the monitor. God gave him to us despite the obstacles Cooper has already faced. He is here and that I'm thankful for. I'm just struggling with how to deal with what's to come and what I'm seeing everyday. I've seen my boy's heart beat disappear far to often (once is too much to be honest). Feeling it race out of control was just as terrifying. Every small hiccup feels like a ton weight being dropped on my shoulders. How do I carry this weight and still walk through my day as a mommy, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend?? I have fallen so short in those roles this past week and I'm beginning to feel a weight added because of that as well. I'm so short with people and so focused on the path ahead that real life, the one outside of these hospital walls, has seemed to cease. I'm well aware that in actuality it hasn't, and I'm devastated that the world continues to turn for everyone else when mine has stopped. I wish I could just pause time until Cooper is ready to head out into reality with me. Us together. Us as a family. Myself, Neil, Cooper, and Ellie, together, as it should be. Every time I'm coaxed to leave Cooper's room the stark reminder that life is still going on all around me shocks me back to reality. I have to move forward. My daughter needs me to spend time with her. Neil has to go back to work. My parents can't be here forever. I have to face the fact that I'm not going to get what I want. I just can't bring myself to figure it out yet despite the lingering fact that Tuesday Neil will have to wake up and head to work and I'll be left for 8 hours a day to fight this battle between the two pieces of my heart. I hate this situation so much. I can't put it into words. The loss of control and the painful reality that something has to give. I just hate it all.
Through those feelings I try my best to cling to faith knowing that God brought us to this for a reason. He knew this was coming from the time he created me. He has prepared me for this even though I feel so ill-equipped. I tell myself it's in His hands and I know how capable those hands are. Even with those thoughts and that faith I'm still angry and fighting the whole thing. Good thing my God is a big God and He can take my fight. I'm sure it doesn't surprise Him...he made me a bit feisty.
As I type this I'm sitting next to my husband as he holds our baby boy (he has been gracious enough to let me do the holding each day except one so it was finally his turn again) and I long to stop time but, as we already went over, that's impossible. That fact is made even more evident by the sounds I'm hearing in the room next door. A new baby has joined the NICU. Another 30 weeker. A sweet and precious baby girl fighter this time. I don't know the details but the scene is all too familiar. The cart she came in on and the masks and gloves working over her tiny body. I ache for those parents I am going to be seeing day in and day out for the weeks and months to come. It's a battle no one should have to face. The world is full of these dark times, many darker than my own, and they just aren't fair. I will be praying for this sweet girl and her family everyday and I ask you all to do the same.
Enough about me and my ramblings. On to Cooper! Mini Coop had a great night full of rest and peaceful sleep. Since baby got to sleep so did mommy. This past week must finally be catching up with me because I feel as if I could sleep for days. I just might! We began our morning around 7am with a second blood draw because the first clotted and they couldn't run the CBC (complete blood count). After that it was just feedings (4ml of breast milk dripped into his stomach through a tube in his throat), vitals, diaper changes, and repositioning until the doctor did rounds and let us know the plan for the day. Dr. Murphy is the neonatal doctor here today and also the one that took Cooper once the OB got him out of me. He filled us in on the news that despite Cooper's impressive platelet count of 104,000 yesterday his CBC came back at 52,000 today, just 2,000 away from yet another transfusion. Bummer! We were so excited that his count had gone up yesterday that this was quite the blow. We just don't know what's going on with him and his platelets, but the dropping of them puts him at a greater risk of internal bleeds which is terrifying. The doctor isn't terribly concerned yet and ordered another CBC for the morning along with another chest x-ray and a head ultrasound to make sure there is no bleeding on the brain. As for the rest of the day it should be a quiet one. No medications to run besides his IV nutrients and no tests to endure. Just eating, sleeping, peeing, and pooping. My boy must really like to mess with mommy because he has peed and pooped on me quite often lately. It's funny how happy it makes me when it happens though. It means his body is working and I love that reassurance! I'm ok with a little poop and pee if it can bring a smile to my face during these long days of waiting and praying.
Thanks for reading, praying, and supporting. We love you all! Don't forget to pray for our new neighbor, Pipper.
No comments:
Post a Comment