Brighter Days

 Tonight I'm writing with a triumphant heart. I don't want to get ahead of myself because we still have a lengthy road stretched before us but I'm beginning to feel the light of our path. Again tonight as I write, Cooper is at my side. I chose to drive back to the hospital to spend the night with my boy after getting our Ellie girl to bed. On the way here I began to cry, not uncommon lately, but this time it was different. This time my sobs weren't a plea to my Lord, instead they were a release of praise and worship. I had been holding onto so much fear and protecting my heart in case the unthinkable were to happen to our boy...to our hearts. But tonight, as I drove down the now familiar highway toward the bright lights of downtown my heart sang and my soul rejoiced because our mini Cooper seems to be getting better. There is light in my darkness and I can feel the Lord saving me and my boy. I just kept thinking, "He's my boy that almost wasn't." If the Lord hadn't told me "your baby hasn't moved..."If the Lord hadn't moved me to call the doctor or go to the hospital...If the Lord hadn't guided the doctors to take me into emergency surgery...our world and outcome would be much different. I have FINALLY allowed myself to accept what I have been begging for in my head but unable to believe in my heart...my boy is MINE! It seems as if I get to keep him and I KNOW that God has saved his life and given him to me for such an amazing purpose!

As I cried I began to dream about his future...what he'll look like (Neil, of that I'm certain), how strong yet gentle I hope he'll be, and what he'll long to be when he grows up...oh what a bright future it seems we have in store. Our God is an awesome God and I'm SO THANKFUL! I know that tomorrow is never promised and each moment is a gift so who knows what the light of a new day will bring but tonight I felt every bit of joy over the miracles God has woven into our new world and for that, again, I'm beyond thankful. There are no words to express this feeling...my heart sings for the strides I see in our Cooper and I pray with every bit of my strength for continued health and improvement.

These feelings and a flow of joy has swept me up because of the events that have unfolded throughout the day. This morning when I called to check in on our boy I found out that they removed his CPAP yet again. My heart lept at the news but then quickly tightened once I remembered the respiratory distress and heart failure that followed our last attempt at this. I was quickly reassured that he is a new boy now and much healthier, I reluctantly agreed. I held my breath most of the day but as I sit here now and look at his monitors I'm able to breathe a sigh of relief at the numbers flashing before me. Heart rate in the 140's, respirations in the 50's, and oxygen levels in the high 90's...ALL ON HIS OWN! This is even more exciting than first steps! Not only is our Cooper doing an AMAZING job of breathing on his own, but he is also tolerating and digesting his feedings incredibly well. I've never been happier to see baby poop in my life! Since all of those things are going well they were able to move his feeding tube from his mouth to a smaller tube in his nose, which looks to be much more comfortable and allows him the ability to suck his fingers and pacifier, which he seems to adore. So many wonderful changes and strides have been made over the past few days! His bilirubin is up from yesterday but hopefully will be declining as his feedings increase. Also we still don't have the results on the genetic testing, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now I'm rejoicing in our good news and steps toward a normal life together as a family.

SO THANKFUL!