Grasping at Straws

Let me start this post with a broad statement that I'm not looking to start anything controversial here so please don't leave any hurtful, overly opinionated, or unkind comments. This blog is to keep all of you dear friends and family members up to date on EVERYTHING we're experiencing and also to help me get some of my feelings and emotions out during this trying time. Ok, the formalities are out of the way now...

Like I mentioned in the previous post, yesterday was the first entire day I've had to spend away from Cooper. Today is the second and it's feeling much the same thus far. Despite a very different kind of morning. Today instead of getting up at 3:30 and heading to the hospital it was the reversal. I woke up in my hospital home at 3am to do my boy's "cares" then headed home at 4am so Neil could sneak in a few hours with our little guy while I tried to get a bit of rest. Ellie seemed to have different plans for me. Right on cue she began whining through the monitor, "mooommmmmy! MOMMY!" (this girl can sense my presence). I went into her room to find her eyes still closed and whimpering. Usually I'm one that will let her cry a bit until she goes back to sleep but I'm a bit soft right now so I scooped her up and snuggled her in the rocker for a bit. Just long enough for her to fully wake up...great. : / I still attempted putting her back into bed and praying she'd go to sleep for a bit. She did get quiet but not for long. Before 6am I was back in her room after hearing her saying "OH NO! I POOKED!" (her version of telling me she puked). I walk in thinking, "Seriously you now have a stomach bug!" But instead of puke I find my girl standing pantless in the corned of her bed pointing at the empty diaper laying open in the middle of her crib. I then see that what she thought was "pook" was actually "pooP!" It smelled and was not the best thing in the world to have to clean up after 2 hours of sleep at the hospital but I had to laugh. What t sight. Welcome to motherhood indeed! It wasn't fun to have to bathe her, strip her bed, and clean EVERYTHING in her room but I couldn't help but kind of loving the moment of being able to care for my child and having a crazy toddler story under my belt. One of MANY I'm sure! That moment brought normalcy for me. Funny how much poop has brought me joy lately. haha

After the crazy morning I made my first phone call to the NICU and held my breath waiting for the nurse's voice hoping it was a familiar one. A loved and trusted one. To my dismay it was the same voice as yesterday. Yes it was familiar but not loved or trusted by me. She proceeded to tell me the doctors had yet to make rounds just to have a nurse near her correct her and fill her in on the fact that the doctor had already rounded on my son and just what he had said. I hate that she didn't know who had been in my son's room or what the orders for the day were. I then asked if he had experienced any dips in his heart rate since she had been there and she said no. Hard to believe since he seems to dip a lot when Neil and I are around yet he didn't dip even ONCE during her 12 hour shift yesterday and today her story is the same. My mommy radar is flashing like crazy and I can't stand it. I am well aware of the stress and strain these nurses are under and I do call often but I make it a point to be quick, I know they have a lot going on and more responsibility than I can imagine so I have a great deal of respect for that, but something here just isn't adding up. Needless to say I'm sitting very uneasily yet again today and can't wait to get to that hospital! There was one up from talking to our nurse this morning...when the other nurse filled her in on the doctor's plans for our boy we discovered that we are ok'd to begin "nuzzling" today!!! Yet another NICU term...nuzzling means that I'll pump then allow Cooper to root around at the empty breast (sorry if that's graphic) and figure out how to suck without getting overwhelmed by lots of milk. It's the first step in breast feeding. I just can't believe it's happening! I'm in heaven just thinking about that special bonding time and my boy needing me!

We have so much to look forward to and I'm so thankful! Our future is getting brighter by the day and I can't explain the joy that has come with that. Our days started out very dark and our boy wasn't promised to us for quite a while. His little life hung in the balance and now...now he is growing, learning, working, and getting stronger every day...he's doing it! I couldn't be prouder! Despite that pride and excitement I can't help but be caught up by the question, "Why are we here? How did this happen?" I have been told multiple times by Coop's doctors that I'll never know. That answer just doesn't sit well inside of me. I'm just not ready to give up without a fight. What if what happened will contribute toward future problems with Cooper, or with future pregnancies. We had planned on more children and now we're just not sure. If we never know we never know but it's only been 2 1/2 weeks since this all happened...why are we giving up so soon? I have been reading as much as possible and searching for some direction for weeks and then suddenly received an email from a dear friend asking if I had gotten a flu shot. Hmmm...yes, I did! At my OB appointment 2 weeks before Cooper was born, 1 week before my odd-ball symptoms showed up, the nurse practitioner asked me if I had gotten a flu shot. I said no and that I didn't plan on it. She then explained without mincing words, "If you don't get one you leave yourself susceptible to the flu which could cause you to lose your child." Strong words! I then asked, "If I do get one what are the possible side effects to my baby?" That question was met with this response..."NONE! If anything it could only increase your baby's immunity when he/she is born." I agreed and one quick poke later was on my way. I honestly didn't think a thing of it until I got that email yesterday and now I can't shake it. I have been reading EVERYTHING I can get my hands on and trying my best to get as educated and informed from all angles as I can. From what I'm reading this is obviously a controversial topic but there have been multiple studies done that link the flu vaccine with stillbirths...which, is exactly what Cooper would have been if I hadn't gotten to the hospital when I did. I'm just overwhelmed with this possibility and am doing my best to look into it all with a calm head and heart. Maybe I'm grasping for something that will never be defined or known for sure but I'm going to fight for an answer. If there is a possibility that a flu shot caused my boy such distress and quite literally almost his life I need to know....THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW! I will be a loud voice on the subject...as loud as I can be. But for now I need to research. Even if this isn't the road that led to Cooper's problems I will be an advocate for kick counting and active pregnancy for every woman. It can save your baby's life and your heart!