Resilience

The other night as I sat by Cooper's bedside chatting with a dear friend I was struck by the amazing resilience of my boy and our family as a unit. As I spoke of our journey and everything that Cooper has endured over these past 3 weeks I realized just how spectacular our bodies and systems are. I marveled at the fact that Cooper went from not breathing or being capable of such to breathing the room air without any support. He went from not being able to move to squirming out of his swaddle like a little ninja. He went from not being able to control his own blood pressure, platelets, or body temperature to being the master of them all. He now digests food, moves his bowels, regulates his breathing, sucks his pacifier, and moves freely and often. How did he get here? His little body is amazing and was perfectly made! The Lord created our boy for so much and this is just the beginning!

How wonderful to be able to voice that and truly KNOW it to be reality. For a while there I wouldn't have dared make such a statement with the alternatives lingering in the air. Lately though, I can see my son's future and often find myself day dreaming of that vision. Those glorious fantasies carry me through the times away from the hospital; those times in the quiet, still, and lonely moments when I feel the weight of the situation. Those moments can, at times, feel too heavy to bear on my own. That's when I allow myself to dream of my boy coming home. Meeting his spunky and anxious sister and all of us joyfully under one roof. I know there will be challenges and exhaustion once we're home but I have no doubt that the joy will outweigh it tremendously! I picture him crawling, walking, and bugging his sister. I even allow my thoughts to float to his adulthood when he is taller than his mommy and looks just like his daddy. Oh the joys to come!

I have been living in this beautiful cloud of happiness lately (much different than where I was living the weeks prior) because of all of our amazing Mini Cooper's strides. He is now in a crib, breathing room air, PICC free, clothed, and NURSING! I just can't believe this is happening. God is so good! Since our boy has been moved out of his isolete and into a crib we're free to pick him up whenever we choose and I have to admit that I hold him every possible second I get. The other day he was in my arms 6 out of 7 hours (the necessities of eating and pumping were the only reasons it wasn't 7 of 7) and it still wasn't enough. On the nights I stay at home instead of bunking with my boy I tend to bring home a blanket of his so I can smell that sweet scent he carries...I miss him so much it aches. That ache pulls me back, reminding me that this is still a challenge. This is our new normal but it still doesn't feel natural. Leaving your newborn baby isn't normal, yet it's a necessity. Despite all the glorious strides he is still tiny. He is still getting stronger. He is still working so very hard and our road is still a long one. The reality of that hit me today and I was back to my darker cloud of living. Not that I didn't have joy over how far we've come, but I couldn't help but focus on how far we have yet to go. I caught myself in tears the majority of the day. It was different than the prior weeks but none-the-less still so very overwhelming.

Overall Cooper is doing AMAZING! We've enlisted more healing hands into his care and have been blessed so much by them! Coop has been working on nursing and it's slow going thus far. I have to admit that I day dreamed a bit too much about getting to the nursing step because I just expected it to take off...I have had a rude awakening on that one. He is doing well it's just a process. His biggest struggle at the moment seems to be his bilirubin numbers still. They continue to decrease little by little but are still up there. He also seems to really be hurting from reflux. It's so sad to see him uncomfortable but there isn't much to do for it right now. Prayers are so dearly appreciated and again we can't thank you enough for lifting us up to the Lord through all of this! We love and are blessed by you all!