Struggles

Cooper has been on an amazing upswing these past few days and I'm beyond thankful for those positive strides, but those steps come with consequences at times. Our boy has been working on doing so much on his own lately that his tiny frame and insides are getting tired. He is beginning to look labored and his heart rate is dropping more often. I, of course, am fighting for them to make him more comfortable and to ease his struggle but have been told it's best to allow him more time to work through it. It's so painful to see him fighting. He shouldn't have to be doing ANYTHING yet...I should be doing these things for him! Breathing for him, eating for him...he should just be resting and kicking me from he inside. I just hate pushing him. It's so hard to allow him to work through things. I just want to make it all better (said every mom that ever lived). So the technical update on our boy is that he's still working hard and growing. Since getting his PICC out and being taken off of TPN his blood sugar has been closely monitored. Sadly his numbers aren't impressive thus far and due to that fact his feeds have been drastically increased to 35ml, 24calorie breast milk (basically they fortify my milk with high calorie formula to give him more bang for his buck) in an attempt to up his blood sugar. All that volume has been a bit tough for him so far. He seems to be refluxing and gagging a bit (again the nurses are fine with it but it terrifies me to see) and having some trouble stooling but his blood sugar has increased a bit. On top of the blood sugar numbers his bilirubin numbers are also not great. His direct has risen to 4.5 so we'll likely be meeting with a GI doctor soon to discuss what that all means. Also our guy is working on breathing 100% unassisted and seems to be getting a bit fatigued. He's just learning so much on his own so quickly...and FAR before he should have to and it's taking a toll. He's working through it and I'm assured he won't get to that devastating state he was in a few weeks ago when he became over worked. I'm hanging onto that promise but can't help but hold my breath during this time.

God gave me such a gift with this boy! Not just that he's here and, well...alive, but God has blessed me with the most amazing connection to Cooper I could ever imagine. Don't get me wrong my bond with Ellie is astounding and I usually know what she's thinking and feeling far before she displays it, but with Coop, even before I met him I KNEW when he was in trouble or hurting and that hasn't changed. I sat by his bedside early this morning and began to doze a bit (it was far earlier than anyone should ever be awake) when I saw a vision of his monitor in my head and popped up in fear staring at his numbers...they were fine, then about 2 seconds later they dropped off and his alarm began to wail. Did I really know that was coming? Then, just an hour later the same thing happened. God has given me the ability to sense my boy's stress...thank you GOD! These are just a few of the small things that have happened that make me realize just how deeply I know my son. He is a part of me, even now that he's out in the world. This may sound a bit crazy but I believe it with my entire soul! And...if you ever want to feel like a crazy mommy just walk into the NICU...st least that's how I've been feeling lately.

All of these nurses and doctors are just plain amazing but they are numbed. Desensitized to the pain and trauma they see day in and day out. It's not their child laying helpless behind the plastic wall. It's not their child that can't speak on his own behalf. It's not their child turning blue, not breathing, or fighting to regulate his own breath. It's not their son's heart beating wildly out of control one second then barely making a blip on the monitor the next. They can't be blamed for the panic I feel every time I'm faced with one of those problems but their calm demeanor during those moments makes me feel like a lunatic.

Last night as I watched Cooper's heart rate and breathing drop off and stood at his side helpless (I've been told not to touch him or intervene during these times) but aching to fight for him I could do nothing but cry. The tears streamed down my face and I just stood there watching my sweet baby...my 33 week old fetus fighting. What a painful moment. Yet the nurse looked at me shocked that I was crying. "Do you cry every time he does that?" she asked very plainly. All I could say was, "Yes, I don't know how not to." In her defense I had never met her, she wasn't Coop's nurse, but she saw his alarm going off and was the first in the room so she wasn't aware of how frail I was. She then walked out of the room and a few seconds later our beloved nurse Melanie walked in saying, "She just said Cooper had a spell. Then she said you were crying. I told her I wasn't surprised." I love that Melanie knows me. She knows how sensitive I am for my boy. She knows how deeply connected I am to my son and how unabashedly in love with this child I am. She understands and that gave me comfort in my dramatic reaction. Not that my reactions need to be rationalized all the time (because let's face it I AM a bit of a crazy person with my baby in the NICU, a toddler at home, and post pregnancy hormones running rampant) but I can't help but wonder if my feelings are the norm. How else would someone act upon seeing their child turning blue and fighting for breath?