Moments in time

Began this yesterday November 6, 2012 but didn't post until the 7th. Sorry if there is confusion.

My day started very early. You see, today was my first day full day away from my boy. I hate to even say "first" because it implies there are more to follow and I can't stand even facing that after enduring the absent hours apart from him. Yet, this again is our reality for now. My point was that my day began incredibly early with a trip to our mini Cooper's room where I sat wishing for time to stop for a few hours. He was resting when I left. Not quite comfortably with a slightly elevated heart rate and faster than usual breathing. My sweet helpless son seemed to be distressed and agitated. He was working so hard (which I mentioned in the previous post) and it was showing! The last thing I wanted to do was walk away, especially knowing I wouldn't be able to return for at least 12 hours. It was heart breaking to leave his room and make the long walk to the car but I had to. I had a husband at home that needed to go to work to provide for our family. A devoted, loving provider that we're so blessed to have working so hard for our small family. Not only did daddy need to work but our Ellie bug is still fighting her virus (she never met one she didn't like) and needed her momma. So, out to the car I walked pained by the fact that I was leaving this tiny piece of my heart with a stranger for the day, trusting them to advocate for him. It's quite hard to trust a person you don't know with such a huge part of your world, but what has to be done has to be done. I'm coming to grips with the fact that there is no ideal in this situation. I'm kicking and screaming the whole way of course, but God is teaching me a valuable lesson of letting go of control and trusting HIS plan! Good thing He's such a big and great God because I'm putting up one heck of a fight...thankful He can take it and still blesses me with grace and love. I am far from deserving of that gift with my attitude some days (I'm sure my husband can attest to that) but I am forever grateful for the unconditional love and forgiveness.

The hours of the day ticked by like a slowly dripping faucet. I kept looking at the clock and wondering what was happening inside the walls of room 4024. Was my boy sleeping comfortably? Was his monitor alarming? Were the nurses paying attention? Was he lonely and crying? I had an urge to call almost every few minutes but fought it by staying busy with my firey little toddler. Good thing she keeps me on my toes! She was my silver lining. She was my joy. She was the face of God for me in that difficult time. So thankful for her! After a while I was able to get lost in her play with her and marvel at her innocence. I have so much to learn from this child. Then it was nap time...oh the dreaded quiet with nothing to do but allow my brain to wander down crazy paths. Just when I was feeling like a caged animal dying to break free I heard the sweet sound of my rousing daughter entirely too early. Usually that sound would have brought feelings of frustration but today it brought relief in my silent lonely moment of panic. At that point I had called the NICU about 3 times and was utterly disappointed to hear a new voice on the line, a name that had no face for me, a woman that didn't know my boy. I tried my best to fill her in on his likes and dislikes to make the transition easier for on both of them but she kept speaking over me, telling ME about my Cooper. Needless to say I wasn't a big fan of that. I already feel out of control and like I'm not truly connected with him properly because of this situation. The last thing I need is someone making that distance feel bigger. She was nice enough but very ill-informed, which also didn't sit well. She assured me throughout the day that his heart rate hadn't dropped even once...hard to believe that in a 12 hour span he doesn't dip but in the 2 hours I'm there he dips 4 times?! My gut tells me this woman is sugar coating to keep me calm since I can't be there or she just plain isn't paying attention. I was heart broken and so anxious I couldn't stand it by the time Neil walked in the door after work. I could barely sit still or even have a full thought. When he walked in I kissed my sweet husband and daughter goodbye and rushed to my boy's side to find him resting peacefully with good stats displayed on the monitor. We had made it. We got through this day. WHEW!

The evening ended with my boy swaddled up in my arms where we snuggled and snoozed for hours before I tucked him back into his plastic home while I stole a few hours of sleep before heading home at 4am. What a night with my man. Just thinking about those precious moments with him brings tears once again. I'm so thankful for my son that almost wasn't. He truly is a blessing and miracle through and through!